There are two of me.
Not like, I have a twin and my whole life is just us switching places so that we can pull off an elaborate magic trick that will confound and puzzle the masses, and lead one guy to go crazy and end up committing mass murder... But rather, I feel like there are two sides of me, like a coin.
Its not even a sense of who I really am, but how I act. I'm a really odd person, really odd. Cause I am really shy. Not as shy as most people. A true introvert is someone you finds it stressful and draining to be around people. They tend to have one, maybe two friends that they keep really close. A lot of introvert people could be mistaken for Co-dependent. but there is a big difference.
Where a Co dependent person keeps someone close, feels extreme amounts of guilt when they push people away. An Introvert will keep friends close, but doesn't really care how they push people away as a mass. Not that introverts are emotionless robots, they just don't crave and feel the compulsive need to make everyone happy.
Now to the flip side an extrovert, who again can be seen as almost a co dependent person, due to their nature of trying to please everyone. They want to feel good about them selves, so they need attention, they need the respect of their peers. Its not always a bad thing either. Most peoples minds go to that really annoying guy or girl in high school that has to be the loudest , and be at every party. But that's not always the case. An extrovert just wants respect, they want to make something of their name. So people who are doing a lot of good in the world could be extroverts, because the are fueled by the need to be needed.
Where a Co-dependent person wants attention so they can feel needed, and extrovert wants to be around people because they already feel needed.
I wanna point out that this is not medical speak, this is assumption. This is how I see the world. I say this a lot. but the fact is, I don't know a lot, and I don't want people to think that am under the delusion that I am informed. I simply observe, and report... kinda like a mall cop. I am the mall cop of philosophy.
Back to the point at hand. I feel like I might possibly be both of these personality types. Now, I know that a lot of people might feel that they have these tendencies at some point in their life, but thats not what i'm talking about. I'm not saying that I have exhibited certain characteristics at some point, I'm saying that who I am, what I do, what I think, these things are a confusing potpourri of attitude and personality.
There have been a lot of times that I have seen it lately, and I am still trying to figure it out, but a lot of the patterns I see in myself, point to a coexistence of ambivalence.
So what am I talking about? Lets start with an odd contradiction that exists in my personality. The more nervous I am around people, the more I talk and make jokes. To most people, this is a sign of Extrovertism, the idea that I can get up in front of a group of people (being between 2 or 1,000) and speak and sound somewhat sensible. This is something that most Introverts would not be willing to do. And yes I would agree that my ability to give a speech is a branch of an outgoing personality. But what would it be if this happens when I'm talking to only one person, what does it mean when I can't turn it off, no matter how much I want to.
Most introverts will close up when they are in a situation that makes them nervous. They will stop talking, or speak quietly. These are self defense responses that help them coup with the other people. They don't want to sound stupid, or do the wrong thing, so they just don't talk. They freeze up. I would say that my reaction is in the same vain. I speak out, I control the situation with humor. I put up walls and keep feelings hidden behind a funny idea, or a passive joke. I no more enjoy the company of people around me, than a person who is shy, and in fact I can guarantee that most of the conversation, I'm trying to figure out how to end it as quickly as possible.
Not that I don't enjoy speaking with people. I do. There is just a sense of awkwardness that I seem to portray in communication that leads me to loathe the speaking part of any conversation. And because I hate this awkwardness, I have found that humor is the best way to fill the void. So I make funny jokes or I try to say something humorous.
This has actually lead to most people thinking I am quite outgoing and comical. I say this with all love and respect to those i love and respect. If you think I'm a funny person, its because I feel uncomfortable around you. The more and more a person gets to know me, and I feel i can open up to, the more serious and less funny I am. Just like an Introvert becomes less and less quiet around those people they like, I become less and less funny.
Another contradiction in my personality. The more I tend to like someone, the more I push them away.
Now I understand that this is something that a lot of people do, and people really struggle with this dilemma, but here is why I am different. Because I really do WANT to push them away.
What I'm not saying is that I don't want people around me, or to be around people. Cause just like every other extrovert, I need people. This is not a message telling people to leave me alone, I'm just pointing out how odd I am.
So tons of people push people away. and its a major theme in most TV shows. you have Dr. House who is a total jerk and pushes people around. Jeff Winger, who is to cool to associate with anybody. Dexter, a murderer who only looks for normality to keep people distracted. And many more. Thing is, through the shows we start to learn that these characters begin to really want people around, and the don't want to be alone.
I again, am different and contradicting. I w\push people away, I keep them at arms distance, so that they will want me around more. I want to be left alone, so that I am more desirable.
Where the people who portray solitude in shows, and in real life, think they want to be left alone then find out that they want people, I know that I want to be left alone, because I know how much I wish I could be needed.
I figure, The more people don't see me, the more they forget about all the stupid little things, and remember the good times. They then start to form a relationship with me that is based on said good times and they begin to miss me. The emotion of missing me begins to grow and grown until it hits a critical mass and they force me to join them at some even or get together. Soon they start to see me for who i really am, a socially awkward, big boned, nerd that they share almost nothing in common with and they are stuck with me. But here's the kicker.
People don't like to have their time wasted, especially by themselves. so they will actually trick them self into thinking that they like my little quarks, forcing them to overlook the tiny little flaws I have, and be a real friend to me. It's a super flaw theory, but it has kinda work a little so far in my life.
So here I am, a guy with extrovert personality, hiding a scared introvert inside of me. I love people, but am terrified of them. I can talk to giant crowds of people and be just fine, but the more personal it gets, the more draining it is on me. I want to be loved, I need attention, so I push people away and they to keep my distance. Hoping that they will beg me to join them.
I am a living contradiction of inward outward emotion. and I hate loving it that way.
Ps. here are a bunch of funny gifs of confused people...