Monday, March 16, 2015

Why... you?

I have recently been talking with a friend of mine about my future as a writer.  

 I was hit with a pretty bad blow to my ego a few weeks ago, and then as I lay on the floor recuperating in mental health and self esteem, I was (and still am) continually sucker punched by life.
To feel the pain of a gut wrenching attack from life is a lot like a really gut wrenching attack from a fist. The sudden impact of life forcing itself from the external, into the internal causes a shock that is universally recognized as unpleasant. Vibrations in the body cause the brain to shift, which it does not like to do, putting the body as risk of shutting down. This is blacking out, its the effect of causing the blood in the brain to, either, rush out or rush in very quickly.

But this blow is good for me, I just know it.
At least, I hope I know it.

I know that overall my life isn't that bad, but there are things that I grasp onto in order to tell myself how terrible life is. And I have to wonder sometimes, why do I hold on to these things? Is it pessimism? Is it a hope that if I can prove my life is worst than anyone else, that I might get a pass for doing nothing with it? I think We as a human species, see the opportunity to get a hall pass on life, and we strive for it.
If I can make everyone see that; I work endlessly, have no friends, my body is betraying me, God has no interest in me, and I'm a pretty useless person, then maybe, just maybe I could... Could... I... I... I dunno...

Now that I look at my life, and I see the patterns that arise from the ashes of turmoil, I see that I have put myself in this place. The dreaded an depressed. I have always fought to prove my self more righteous in the darkness. "My Parents are divorced! I Broke my arm (twice)! I have allergies, and Asthma, You don't know the meaning of suffering, only I do!" If I could yell that as loudly as possible, then maybe someone would take notice, take pity, and help me.

But here's the thing, I see now, that mentality, of always thinking I have it worst off, and competing with others to prove it, has actually made me the saddest person I know. I now look up from the Bottom of the barrel, after fighting so hard to be the one down here. I have pushed myself down, and in order to feel better about myself, I have kept myself from feeling better!

How messed up is that?

Now to get back to what I was saying a moment ago. I am the worst!

Honestly though, you have probably read through this once and seen a thousand grammatical errors, or spelling mistakes, while I read through this several times looking for that stuff and I still can't catch it all. When It comes to writing, I'm kinda the worst.

How ironic it is, that I want to be a novelist, a comic book writer, a TV show creator, comedian, actor, director, ect... ect... ect...  These things take skill in grammar, words and and understanding of the English language that I just don't have, in order to preform. I am at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to talent in writing, so why do I even try?

Two reasons. The first being that I love it. I always have. I love sitting down with a blank page on the monitor and filling it with words, hoping to read it back and hear something like a melodious tune. I love playing with words, trying the sounds, and hearing my lexicon expand with a new locution. Since I was a kid, I loved sitting down and spending some time with words. Not that we are great friends or anything, I just have an appreciation for them. It like when you go to a birthday party for a kid that your sibling is friends with. They are not your friend, they are friends with someone you are close to, so you see a lot of each other, but your happy the are there so you can go and get some cake...

The second reason for wanting to peruse being a writer and all that junk, is because I'm a good storyteller, and speaker. And this isn't like, "oh, I'm so good, I'm better than everyone." sort of things, I just know what I'm good at, and telling stories and getting people wrapped up in their own imagination is something I'm good at. And I love to do it.

I love to make people feel emotion, that's the goal of everything. I want people to feel what others have felt, and experience what others have experienced. Close their eyes and see what I can see. That, Imagination, is a gift from God. and I want to share that with everyone. Its what Worship pastors do, when they sing a song to bring people to tears, or a preacher does when they light a fire of the Holy Spirit in people. It's what councilors do, when they help sooth and heal, its what teachers do, when they help people realize an idea that might have been bizarre to them at first.

Ok. I'm almost done.
What I'm saying there, is that I have a Gift, imagination. and I want to share it with you all, and with the whole world. I'm going to do that by writing and telling, preaching and singing and acting and worshiping and praying and producing and any other way I possibly can. I'm going to over come this struggle of mine, and I will live a life that is not going to read "Worst life in the world is finally over!" but rather "Guy did something!"

We need to stop trying to pull ourselves down, so we can prove how terrible our life is. We need to, instead, rise ourselves up in our own eyes, so we can grab a hold of life and the people around us, and help everyone a little. Cause there is nothing better than helping everyone around you... except maybe Orange Chicken...

T.W. Clawson


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