I use quotation marks, because I'm no where near done. I still have a long road ahead of me, but it's an exciting one. One that I seem to be able to see the end off, but need to actually walk down. It's an odd feeling, seeing yourself in a place that your body does not yet occupy.
I am constantly talking to the people around me, people I would call friends but they may have a different term for me, about the future and my dreams. I see myself being a novelist, a producer, director, entrepreneur, an artist and comedian and even an actor. I see myself speaking to thousands of people all over the world and making a difference in the lives of "fans" everywhere.
But how do I get there, how do I make myself someone that people want to know, and talk to and listen to. It's a really kindling kind of thought process. Being conscious of the decision to become more. To be worth more.
That is that I don't believe I am worth anybody's time right now. I am constantly indebted to to those to who seem to want to take time out of their life to spend with me. Its like being a homeless person and receiving money for sitting on the sidewalk. I do nothing for these people, and out of the compassion of their hearts they throw money in my hat.
So what is it that I must do to feel a sense of worth? Write a book? Get it published? Have a random person interview me? Have a movie made from a story? Go on Conan? Host SNL? Become the president of DC (and fix the whole dern company!)?
These are goals, these are achievements, but do they really add to my self worth? Lets say that I do achieve one of my goals, and I make it to comic con on a panel, that people come to see and ask me questions about my work... lets say I achieve some minor success of fame... what does that add?
Does that make me a nicer guy? does it further The Kingdom of Christ? Will it make my woman love me more?
HECK FREAKIN YEAH IT DOES! I mean... Kinda...
This is my point. I believe I will never truly be worth anyone's time, quiet the opposite. That I will be blessed by every single person I ever meet and talk with. Think about it, would you rather think yourself better than the world, knowing that they always owe you for being around them and never getting what your owed, inevitably being let down? Or would you want to feel as though you are given a gift with every conversation you had, and filled just to be in the presence of people who like you?
I choose the Ladder! (latter)
But while I don't feel that I am really worth it, I have a hope that I can help people. So I choose to work at writing and start making myself a better person. Someone that won't leave with a bad taste in their mouth after talking to me. I want people to see the light that I have, and to be willing to follow me down this road I travel on.
I'm going to finish this book. I am done with the a ton of editing. I have given the current book out to several people to read and tell me what they think. While I read through it again, I await their critiques, hoping that it will all be good in the end.
I have compiled a list of Agents and Publishers, looking for those that might be interested in my work and am sending it out to them for representation.
I don't know how long I will be querying, but I know that I have to go through this to get down the road. Soon I will be signing my books and answering questions from nervous kids who just want a chance to talk to me. I hope to look at them with a smile and tell them.
Thanks, your the reason why I write.
T.W. Clawson
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