Me, Myself and I think this title has been over used...

There are two of me.
Not like, I have a twin and my whole life is just us switching places so that we can pull off an elaborate magic trick that will confound and puzzle the masses, and lead one guy to go crazy and end up committing mass murder... But rather, I feel like there are two sides of me, like a coin.
Its not even a sense of who I really am, but how I act. I'm a really odd person, really odd. Cause I am really shy. Not as shy as most people. A true introvert is someone you finds it stressful and draining to be around people. They tend to have one, maybe two friends that they keep really close. A lot of introvert people could be mistaken for Co-dependent. but there is a big difference.
Where a Co dependent person keeps someone close, feels extreme amounts of guilt when they push people away. An Introvert will keep friends close, but doesn't really care how they push people away as a mass. Not that introverts are emotionless robots, they just don't crave and feel the compulsive need to make everyone happy.




Now to the flip side an extrovert, who again can be seen as almost a co dependent person, due to their nature of trying to please everyone. They want to feel good about them selves, so they need attention, they need the respect of their peers. Its not always a bad thing either. Most peoples minds go to that really annoying guy or girl in high school that has to be the loudest , and be at every party. But that's not always the case. An extrovert just wants respect, they want to make something of their name. So people who are doing a lot of good in the world could be extroverts, because the are fueled by the need to be needed.
Where a Co-dependent person wants attention so they can feel needed, and extrovert wants to be around people because they already feel needed.



I wanna point out that this is not medical speak, this is assumption. This is how I see the world. I say this a lot. but the fact is, I don't know a lot, and I don't want people to think that am under the delusion that I am informed. I simply observe, and report... kinda like a mall cop.  I am the mall cop of philosophy.

Back to the point at hand. I feel like I might possibly be both of these personality types. Now, I know that a lot of people might feel that they have these tendencies at some point in their life, but thats not what i'm talking about. I'm not saying that I have exhibited certain characteristics at some point, I'm saying that who I am, what I do, what I think, these things are a confusing potpourri of attitude and personality.
There have been a lot of times that I have seen it lately, and I am still trying to figure it out, but a lot of the patterns I see in myself, point to a coexistence of ambivalence.

 So what am I talking about? Lets start with an odd contradiction that exists in my personality. The more nervous I am around people, the more I talk and make jokes. To most people, this is a sign of Extrovertism, the idea that I can get up in front of a group of people (being between 2 or 1,000) and speak and sound somewhat sensible. This is something that most Introverts would not be willing to do. And yes I would agree that my ability to give a speech is a branch of an outgoing personality. But what would it be if this happens when I'm talking to only one person, what does it mean when I can't turn it off, no matter how much I want to.
Most introverts will close up when they are in a situation that makes them nervous. They will stop talking, or speak quietly. These are self defense responses that help them coup with the other people. They don't want to sound stupid, or do the wrong thing, so they just don't talk. They freeze up. I would say that my reaction is in the same vain. I speak out, I control the situation with humor. I put up walls and keep feelings hidden behind a funny idea, or a passive joke. I no more enjoy the company of people around me, than a person who is shy, and in fact I can guarantee that most of the conversation, I'm trying to figure out how to end it as quickly as possible.
Not that I don't enjoy speaking with people. I do. There is just a sense of awkwardness that I seem to portray in communication that leads me to loathe the speaking part of any conversation. And because I hate this awkwardness, I have found that humor is the best way to fill the void. So I make funny jokes or I try to say something humorous.
This has actually lead to most people thinking I am quite outgoing and comical. I say this with all love and respect to those i love and respect. If you think I'm a funny person, its because I feel uncomfortable around you. The more and more a person gets to know me, and I feel i can open up to, the more serious and less funny I am. Just like an Introvert becomes less and less quiet around those people they like, I become less and less funny.

Another contradiction in my personality.  The more I tend to like someone, the more I push them away.
 Now I understand that this is something that a lot of people do, and people really struggle with this dilemma, but here is why I am different. Because I really do WANT to push them away.


What!?



Yeah!



Seriously?




Yes!


What I'm not saying is that I don't want people around me, or to be around people. Cause just like every other extrovert, I need people. This is not a message telling people to leave me alone, I'm just pointing out how odd I am.
So tons of people push people away. and its a major theme in most TV shows. you have Dr. House who is a total jerk and pushes people around. Jeff Winger, who is to cool to associate with anybody. Dexter, a murderer who only looks for normality to keep people distracted. And many more. Thing is, through the shows we start to learn that these characters begin to really want people around, and the don't want to be alone.
I again, am different and contradicting. I w\push people away, I keep them at arms distance, so that they will want me around more. I want to be left alone, so that I am more desirable.
Where the people who portray solitude in shows, and in real life, think they want to be left alone then find out that they want people, I know that I want to be left alone, because I know how much I wish I could be needed.
I figure, The more people don't see me, the more they forget about all the stupid little things, and remember the good times. They then start to form a relationship with me that is based on said good times and they begin to miss me. The emotion of missing me begins to grow and grown until it hits a critical mass and they force me to join them at some even or get together. Soon they start to see me for who i really am, a socially awkward, big boned, nerd that they share almost nothing in common with and they are stuck with me. But here's the kicker.
People don't like to have their time wasted, especially by themselves. so they will actually trick them self into thinking that they like my little quarks, forcing them to overlook the tiny little flaws I have, and be a real friend to me. It's a super flaw theory, but it has kinda work a little so far in my life.

So here I am, a guy with extrovert personality, hiding a scared introvert inside of me. I love people, but am terrified of them. I can talk to giant crowds of people and be just fine, but the more personal it gets, the more draining it is on me. I want to be loved, I need attention, so I push people away and they to keep my distance. Hoping that they will beg me to join them.
I am a living contradiction of inward outward emotion. and I hate loving it that way.

Ps. here are a bunch of funny gifs of confused people...

Adventure time! (the comments and views expressed in the post do not reflect that of the creators of the cartoon network series "Adventure Time")

Welcome to my Adventure!
Not long ago I set out on a fun little project to create something i had stuck in my head. I don't know if any of you guys out there in the digital land have ever had that happen to you, where a project or an idea just nags at you and nags at you until you finally do it, but this was what happened to me.
So below is the process through which i made my coffee mug holder. as well as my reactions to each step and what was going on in my brain.

Step 1... get some wood...

As you can see I got mine... this is Freddy. Freddy the Wood is a 28 x 32 piece of wafer board that i picked up from the local builders supply store.   He was just sitting there in the scrap pile and i chose him to become something greater. Something that could never die, and idea. Freddy the Wood was about to be come a symbol! So i cut him down to the exact size i needed and let him hang at my place till i finished my work. I took an inch off of each side so as to give myself some stapling room. 

Step 2... Get some canvas...

Now i forgot to take a picture of it while it was completely untouched, but believe me... I did buy a piece of canvas and it was blank, and it was exactly one yard long. Imagine if you will that you bought a large preframed canvas piece for painting on, then you ripped the canvas off the frame and had a simple cloth in your hands... that's exactly what you would have seen in this picture. 

Step 3: Print 

It took me a long time to get this printed out, because i wanted to try and get it as perfect as possible. Unfortunately i'm terrible at being perfect, so i screwed it up... massively.  as follows is what i did in the printing, and my face... reacting to such triumphs and failures

I had to fold the canvas into four parts to get it to fit in the printer. this is really my biggest hurtle. Here you can see that I got the first corner printed and ready to be matched up for the next part. what you don't see is the back side of the canvas, where i printed the corner upside and had to start over completely.   

As you can see, I am both excited and mildly annoyed at the set back. But persistent at getting this thing done. and done right.  That's what this face is... if you didn't catch that. 

So Now I get the second panel set up and ready to print. 

As you can see by my face... I'm quite nervous

. 

Success! I was somehow able to match the two sides up perfectly. We now have our bottom half, and a swelling of pride and happiness. 

Which is exactly what you will see here. 

There was so much joy in my soul., that my face could hardly contain the overflow. Not that i wonder if you can tell, I'm obviously jubilant in this picture. 

When I prepared to do the first top section, i took over 15 minutes mesureing and aligning. Making sure everything was perfect. So when i pushed that massivce green button to tell the mechine to print, i was fairly confadent that it would turn out great!
Failure! The stright edge that you see below is the product of pride and decite! The gods had seen my sucess and were jelouse. I was dneyed my beauty and my birth right! for ever being taunted by a 1/4 of and inch!

As you can see It lead to the next section to come up off the line and create a line in the graphic that will always remind me of the time i was limited to mere mortality. I was flying in the skies with my beautiful wings, and sun just had to burn them to a crisp, sending me crashing back to the ground that is reality.  

I'm sure you can see here that I'm a boiling over in rage, unable to control myself. do you see a bit of green forming in my skin color, i wouldn't be surprised... I was basically becoming the hulk. 

My insides were eating them selves, a lava like substance was starting to turn in my stomach, the world was spinning and i could feel its toppling. which i'm sure you could see in this picture of me. 

This was the final product of the printing process. and before you go patronizing me with flattery, just know that while it will be much appreciated, will slowly kill me, and never allow me to rise to my full potential. 

Step 4: Puts some close on Freddy!

Here you can see that a beautiful and intelligent young man is trying to figure out just how to hold a piece of canvas and not staple his hand to good ol' Freddy the Wood. 

and after all the work I finally have a Piece of wood with a cloth draped over it. BUT A COOL DRAPE! 

BOOM!

I then went through and screwed in some hook and framed the picture with a few of my coffee mugs.

This was the end result and i really couldn't be happier with it.  

Which I'm sure you can tell. 

Annoying like a public announcement

I really don't mean to repeat myself.

I just wanted to let you guys... Meaning anyone who is odd enough to read this blog... know that I do in fact have a page where you can buy some of the prints that I have shown off here. some of my graphics are just for show, something that I work on, nothing to sell. But Most of the work I do, is to help me in some way. Be it stature, money or reputation. 

In this case its money. 

Here is the website that hosts my work. It is also home to thousands of other artists and craftspeople. Its really cool, like the Portland Saturday Market... but... online. 

http://www.etsy.com/shop/theoddempire

Here you can see things like theses:

There are plenty more to see on my page and it would be cool to see that people are checking out my stuff. so help a self critical Brotha out and buy some shirts... you know, if you want to. 

Again... 

https://www.etsy.com/shop/theoddempire

These are exactly 5 of my favorite things

I make lists in my free time.
Lots of them, whether they are outlines for books, or a T.V show i wanna write. The different characters I am working on. The wonderful qualities of my Girlfriend. Budgets for money spending, the program schedule for a t.v. channel online. Places, books, movies, music.
Don't even get me started on my amazon wishlists. At one point they numbered over twenty. TWENTY! They had everything from comic books, to movies, to furniture that i wanted to buy.
Christmas was awesome because I would get to write out a list of things I wanted. Not that i would ever get what i wanted, but that's not the point. The point is that I started to like Christmas more for my List for Santa, than i did for actually getting gifts. Then it started becoming about making a list of gifts that i would end up buy for other people. I would write them, then rewrite them. I would color code and alphabetize them. Then start to organize them by where I would go shopping for the people. It started to get pretty bad.
I still sit down and write out lists of my favorite movies and songs and books and what not. And since I can't figure out what else to write about at this point, I figured it would be cool to do one of those lists.
I have decided to do my top 5 songs of all time. if you know me, then you probably know most of these, and will not be surprised. You can stop reading if you like, but i would say, although I'm sure I have spouted of about my favorite (insert object of affection here), I highly doubt you fully understand why these things mean so much to me. So allow me to open up my soul to you, and bridge your understanding of reality and mine.


5. Made too Pretty - As Cities Burn

Let me start off by saying this about slot number 5. It's always changing.
Seriously, if you were to have asked me this like a week ago, I probably would have said Endless Fantasy by Anamanagachi. Before that probably Thinkin bout you by Frank Ocean.
The point being that this is like the free agent of favorite songs. I have no qualm about switching it out on a continual basis, just enjoying the sounds that come through my stereo system as long as I can, before i get sick of it, and throw it away last last nights Chinese food.
Made too Pretty is a song that I started to listen to because a friend (We'll call him... Mater) told me that the band, As Cities Burns, was starting to go in a weird direction. I listen to the CD, over and over and over again. Trying to pick up on any hint of loss of faith, or construed theology, or odd morality. I have always enjoyed ACB, and wondered why a "Christian" band would suddenly start to be labeled differently.
Here's the thing though, the more I listened, the more I realized that these songs were not songs of oddity, or of lack of faith. But of honesty and redemption. When I inquired my Mater further about what he thought about the album, he told me primarily this song left him feeling odd.
This is not an indictment on my friend. Mater is one of the most intelligent and enlightened guys I have ever had the privilege to argue and share my life with.  But he told me that This song in particular made him feel that they were becoming a big to big for their breeches. (my words, not his.)
I was astounded. This song, of all of they others was, to me, a great observation of the church and chritianity today. Pointing out the culture that we live in and how we are flawed in our thinking.
He saw it as an attack on the church in general. That they were running from their Christianity and finding it to be flawed at its core.
One thing about me that i have always been told and am very away of, is that I'm stubborn. When i have to defend something, it becomes very close to me. This song was something I had to stand up for, and in so doing, it moved its way up the flag pole to... we really the base of the poll. the very bottom of this list. But at this point in time I would say that this song is my number 5 song, because of the honesty of the arist, and they over all atmosphere of the sound.
Mater, by the way, Being the smart and fun guy that he is, was able to see that I was very protective of this song, and decided to not make it as big of a deal as it could have been. That or he just didn't care that much. Either way, I could totally see why. I make way to big a deal out of most things.

4. Mouth like a Magazine - Showbread

Like a lot of things that I now love, such as Coffee, Tea, Girls, The Guild, The Office, Parks and Recreation, The outdoors, SplinterCell, Chris Evans as Captain America, I began my relationship with this song in complete hatred. The band members looked weird, the music was odd and there was screaming... glah. Of course i was only like fourteen, and my musical taste was quite unrefined. Not that I have some crazy awesome sense of music nowadays. I just hadn't been exposed to anything new at that time.
I was going to a youth ground in my home town and had won a DVD full of current music videos from a record label "Tooth and Nail", so i went home and played it. what I had really been given was a door way to the bounding limitless, creative world of new music.
That's one of the main reasons why this song is so important to me. It was an introduction into the sound, the style and the life that i would live for the next several years. The reason why this song is not my top 5 and not songs like "Reinventing your exit" by Underoath, or "Paper Hanger" by Mewithoutyou or "Serial Sleepers" by House of Heroes or "Spy Hunter" by Project 86, which are all on the same DVD, is because of one simple action in my life. Skipping the current song.
I am a very fickle when it comes to listening to music, and usually it depends all on my mood, but i will skipp probably five or six songs for every song I actually listen to fully. My Collections is pretty eclectic, with rap to worship, screamo to pop, from folk to techno. so I very a lot.
The thing is with this song, I have never skipped it. Since the day started to realize that it was an OK song, to the day I was at the front of the audience screaming it back to Josh Dies, I have never skipped it. It doesn't matter what mood I'm in, or where I'm at, as long as the people around me are OK with the song, I will listen to it.
It number four because their are other songs that mean a lot more to me, but sometimes I feel like skipping those to get to something else. This one will always play through, and will always get me jacked up.



3. Salt in the Snow - The Classic Crime


Musical talent that keeps me learning more, Lyrics that are honest, inspiring and cleaver, and a sense of humility that makes you wanna like them as much as possible. The Classic Crime is absolutely, 100% my favorite band of all time. I found these guys late in my high school career, when I was realizing that Creed wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
There is a lot of power in words. The ability to break people, and to build them up. I think the reason i like this band so much, is because of Matt McDonald. He is an amazing lyricist and he is backup by some of the coolest most down to earth, and talented to boot, guys ever. This son in particular is something close to my heart because of the message it has. Basically (and this is just how i see it. some one else may have a way different reaction to it) Its a song about being fed up with life. Asking God to take it all away, but knowing that there is something better ins store.
It pumps me up, it make me think, and it helps me praise God for the life i have.

2. Lazy Eye - Silversun Pickups


I honestly don't know where to start with this song.
I am a fan of Silversun Pickups.  I wouldn't say i'm their biggest fan, nor their more religious follower, but i certainly enjoy their music.
And that right there is exactly why this song is number two. From the first time i heard this song, sitting on my couch watching music videos, drinking hot coco (cause I thought coffee tasted gross, HA!) to owning a vinyl copy of the CD it comes on (which hasn't happened yet, but my birthday is right around the corner, and if anybody loves me they will make that happen.), I have really enjoyed this song.
It is chill, and rocking, its weird enough to get your attention, but not so weird that I feel embarrassed about listening to it around anybody.
Here's the thing about this song though... I still don't get it. Almost every other song here I can sing every single word to, but not this one. I can tell you what I think they all mean, but not this one. And that's awesome! It's been around for ever and i still and experiencing it. I'm sure a ton of people out there could tell you what its all about, but i like the fact that I'm still discovering the words and the meaning behind it all. I won't go a look up the lyrics, cause frankly that like cheating at a video game.
So here is Number 2, The one that alludes me, and kicks butt.

1. Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen




Here it is! The number one! Queen.
Literally the greatest song written by humans. The music is epic, the melodies are complex and resounding. The Lyrics are some of the most deep and true words ever spoken. Like an angle poured its heart out and a recorded company happen to record what it was saying. and that angel's name... Freddy Mercury.
Queen is a band that I grew up on. So its make sense that the song resonates with nostalgia. Car trips, Sunday afternoons, parties with family. They all have the soundtrack of classic rock, and this song in particular.  My dad taught us at a young age that it was indeed appropriate to headbang as hard as possible to Bohemian Rapsody.
This song starts out with a sense of establishment, getting you prepared for a character that seems in complete and utter darkness. Finding no sense of hope and thing to hold onto. As i grew up I started to connect more and more with this dark and desparing tone that Mercery set in this song.
The song is not a happy one at all, but then if you think about the greatest things in the world, which of them are happy.
This song is my nuber one because its a journy, andf it not just a hourney through a song, but through life. Through pain, and suffereing, becasue you grow as the gown continues on. Allowing you to have a small sense of hope.
The hop being that you are not the only one. You arn't going through your pain alone. The suffering of this world is commonplace and well deserved. But if we are together in this, in the game that is life, together, then we can fight the darkness. The devil doesn't look so scary when you are not alone in the dark.
I will end with my favorite verse in the Bible, because this song makes me think of it almost every time.

"Do not gloat over me my Enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I in darkness, The Lord will be my light." Micah 7:8

T.W. Clawson

In the Beginning

This was the first thing I ever designed. I sat in my room with my sister and we talked and drew and made each other laugh. Its the sort of time I think about when I miss her. Her and my younger sister. They mean a lot to me. They were the ones that taught me that I genuinely love people, no matter who they are. I always loved my Brothers, cause... well cause I had to. It wasn't an option. They were there in my life, and I had to deal with it. (not that i don't like my brothers, that's just how it was.) 

It wasn't until I was introduced to M&M (which is what I will refer to them as.) That I had to make a choice on whether I was going to open up to people or shut them out. They were thrust into my world and I was expected to just be OK with it. These two shy, awkward, rebellious, beautiful, silly girls came out of no where and I had to make a choice. Do I stay closed off and just wait until our parents split, then we go our separate ways and never speak again? Only being nice to them because it's the polite thing to do, putting on a face of somewhat acceptance. 

Or do I spread wide my arms and hold them close? Giving them trust and love at every turn and twist of ours, and our parents relationship. 

I chose to Love them. I chose to pray for them, to watch over them and be their brother. They became two of the most important people in my life. 

Because of them I became a better person. They taught me how to have patience, how to treat girls, and the right way to listen. I would not be in a good relationship with my girlfriend with out their guidance. I would not be a better brother to my other siblings, Full, Half, Step, it doesn't matter, With out them first teaching me to be a good person.   

So I sat in my bedroom with the first of the two M's and we grew closer to each other. We let each other in to the others life. It allowed us to speak on our feelings toward the world. She gave me tips on how to pick up girls, I told her about all the guys that liked her at school, and we bonded. 

This graphic is not just the beginning of my graphic design, but a representation of the beginning of me becoming who I am. 

I told my sister that I would always be there for her, and I meant it. We have shared tears and laughter, a bedroom, a boat, a tent, an apartment, and a life. 

M&M I miss you.

T.W. Clawson

That's just what I think

So, I wrote this whole post and realized it was just a crazy angry Rant.
So I went ahead and stripped it down to the bare essentials, so its less crazy, and more the main thoughts going on inside

There are a lot of things that piss me off in life, but there is one thing that I absolutely hate above all.

The thing is, I probably hate these things because I see them in myself. I'm a huge screw up.

Now please don't red and then go, "ahhh, Tyler your not a screw up." because I am speaking from personal experience. its like if I said, " Arizona is hot in the summer months." and you have been to Arizona and you loved it and didn't wanna hear people bash on it. So you reply with, "But it's a dry heat. so its not as hot."
the fact remains that Arizona is a HOT state in the summer months, and I speak out of personal experience. It's hot, It's Freaking HOT! Its like Hell made a mistake on its fire and brimstone order form that month and had a clearance sale, everything must go, and Arizona decided that it would be a good investment and bought it all up, charged it to their master card and let the heat insure! Just as sure as I am about the Lucifer welcoming heat of Arizona, I am that much more positive of the screw ups in my life.



 The last big Screw up that I remember, cause it happens so much that I forget all of them, was with my Dad, Uncle, Family friend Brother and Cousin.
we were all hanging out on a porch talking about movies and stuff. One of the fun things about my family is the fact that we love to say movie lines. Its almost a challenge. One person says a line from a movie and everyone else tries to figure it out and say other lines from said movie. or at least how I see it happening in my mind. Well, since we were on the topic of movies and what happened to be WW2, I thought it would be fun to spout out a line form a movie I had watched just the night before. Inglorious Bastards.  (now that I have said I watched it, I wanna tell you how I feel about that movie. So I think I will, in another post.)
I don't even remember the line that I said! That's How dumb this was. As well, I realized while saying it that it was to long a line. and that I hadn't memorized it perfectly. So I randomly jumped into this conversation with a movie quote, that nobody could figure out. It was WAY to long so it was not very funny, AND I was doing that thing were I was correcting myself while trying to say it... Worst... Joke... Ever.


But I still can excuse it. Because I live with these same tenancies. Because I think when humanity took on the sin of the world it brought about the Neediness, and stupidity, and lack of interest in what people are saying. But what I will never live with, What I will never allow people to do around me, ever, Is to think that they are better than me for any reason.

Let me say that again. I am Better than no person.

I am Better than No One.




Ok. So I'm playing a fine line here.

 I will never understand the constant though process that says, "If I am meaner I will get more out of the situation."

Advice.

 Its not the generic, "be nice to people, and the world will be a better place." It's actually quite the opposite.


If you walk into a retail space and/or call a call center and you are in a foul mood, or mean or pushy, I will purposely antagonize you.

People believe that because they can go tell on an associate, that they have some crazy power over them.

When in fact the manager who gets complained to actually in the end will side with the associate.

Complainers are doing nothing but feeding the delusion of resolution of their own ego.


Ask me a question then I expect that they will allow me to answer.

Someone thinks that they are better than me enough to interrupt me, and not worry what my full answer is, is Someone who doesn't even need a real answer. So I won't give them one. I will not play into the games of the high and mighty.


That is the highly condensed version of this rant. Thank you.

T.W. Clawson